NOT TO DO ANYTHING THAT MIGHT UPSET THEIR MOTHER

**I’m going to go ahead and apologize. My stud muffin husband and I were celebrating the arrival of his economic stimulus payment tonight, so I may be a little buzzin’.**

This book starts off with the Quimby clan plus aunt Beatrice (for whom Beezus The Wet Blanket is named) eating dinner. Ramona is super stoked because Howie’s rich uncle is coming home to visit. Apparently he’s been in Saudi Arabia riding camels and drilling oil, and Ramona thinks he’ll add a kick to the boring afternoons at Howie’s where his grandmother is paid to watch Beezus and herself. Word. I love rich people. Aunt Bea remembers him from high school, and nobody much cares after that. A few days later the famed unkie-poo arrives, and unfortunately for Ramona, he is a douche. He brings the kids camel saddles (oh, cause they’ll love those) and a unicycle for Howie (who is in third grade – can he even ride a two-wheeler?) and an accordion for Willa Jean, who is not even 3. Really, Uncle Hobart? Did you think these were age appropriate gifts, or did the Saudi sun bake your brains? Also, Uncle H. picks on Ramona, which makes him a horrible person in my book. Willa Jean, of course, breaks the accordion, and Howie can’t ride the unicycle. Shocker. The only upside to this is that, if Howie learns to ride the unicycle, he might give Ramona his bike. Sweet.

I never learned to ride a bike well when I was a kid, so when I decided a year ago to be a triathelete, my darling husband went and bought me a bike. Sadly, I HATED IT. I don’t like going downhill because you go to fast, and going uphill is way hard, so the day the bike was stolen was one of the happiest of my life. Sigh. Ramona, don’t put too much stake on getting that bike. I think a new pair of running shoes is so much better.

Anywhoo, Mrs. Kemp (Howie’s grandmother, who watches them) blames Ramona for Willa Jean breaking her accordion, and Ramona realizes that Mrs Kemp does not like her (sic). Ramona is not having a good day.

Ramona decides she does not want to stay at Howie’s after school anymore, and finds an unlikely ally in Beezus. The next night at dinner, they start an assault against their parents, and manage to convince them that they can stay home by themselves until their parents get home from work. Oh, and Beezus is worried about her complexion, and Picky-picky is being a pest. These things become important later. Beezus and Ramona have a discussion after dinner and cover the fact the their father is now getting his teaching degree (way to go Mr. Quimby!) and their mother skipped dessert, and therefore must be pregnant. Um, when I was pregnant, dessert came first. Just saying.

Beezus and Ramona are overly nice to each other after school, but Ramona is starting to get bored. Then, one day, she decides to go ride bikes with Howie, and when Beezus gets all lordy over her, she calls Beezus Pizzaface. Good insult, Ramona. Beezus is really concerned about her skin, as most teenagers are, so she is really hurt. Ramona falls off her bike, Beezus won’t help her clean up the blood, and she calls her a hateful little creep. Aw. Ramona is really sad and more hints that Mrs. Quimby is pregnant! OMG, Bev. You’re really knocking us over the head with this one. Mr. Quimby, whose publicist still has not confirmed that his wife is pregnant, tells the girls NOT TO DO ANYTHING THAT MIGHT UPSET THEIR MOTHER.

So, predictably, the next day when they come home from school, Picky-picky is dead. I love animals a lot, but I’m kind of glad that I won’t have to type his name out anymore. Hyphens interrupt my flow, which is weird because I have a hyphenated name. Ramona and Beezus put their pizzaface issues aside to bury the cat so that Mrs. Quimby won’t be upset, and Ramona says the world’s cutest prayer: ‘Now we lay Picky-picky down to sleep. We pray thee, Lord, his soul to keep. Thy love stay with him through the night and wake him with the morning light. Amen.’ My version is different, but oh well. Ramona even makes Picky-picky a tomb stone. Aw. The upshot is, when the ‘rents come home, they feel bad that the girls buried the cat by themselves, and they finally confirm the pregnancy! Whoohoo! Now we don’t have to hear anymore about how Mrs. Quimby is skipping desert and having sneaky phone calls. Suddenly Ramona realizes that she’s going to be a middle child and this makes her a little nervous.

Ramona starts wearing Chiquita banana stickers plastered to her forehead at school, and that’s awesome. It’s not a catching fad, though. Mrs. Quimby has a mysterious phone convo with Aunt Bea… dun dun duh. The family is picking out names for the baby, and HAH! Ramona, who named her doll Chevrolet, thinks Aston Martin is a good name for a boy. Oh, Lord, if you ever bless me with a son, I’m naming him Aston Martin in honor of Ramona. Ramona goes for a walk with her mom and lets on that she’s nervous about being a middle child, and for once, Mrs. Quimby handles it well and tells Ramona that as her middle child, she will have a special place right in the middle of her heart and letting her feel the baby kick. Good job, Mrs. Quimby. Usually I think you’re pretty much a deadbeat, but that raised you to passable in my book. Next time your daughter needs a sheep costume though, suck it up and make it, especially if she’s not getting anything for Christmas.

Oh, and Mr. Quimby can only find one teaching job and that’s in south eastern Oregon, which is apparently full of nothing but sagebrush and sheep. Dude, that sucks. Now we have a teacher shortage. You could get a job in my town, Mr. Quimby.

Howie is getting tired of Uncle Hobart, and so is Willa Jean, who actually calls Ramona on the phone and asks her to come over because she’s lonely. Poor Willa Jean. You have a douche for an uncle, a shrew for a grandmother, and a brother who is a tiny, closeted homosexual, which has to result in him being really stressed out all the time. Your life sucks. You know what else sucks? Ramona puts some clues together and comes up with the idea that… douchy uncle Hobart is dating her Aunt Bea! Oh noes! One night without warning who two daughters, whom she knows can’t stand the guy, Mrs. Quimby has Uncle Hobart and Aunt Bea over for dinner. Dun dun duh. Ramona, who is hilarious, keeps asking Uncle Hobart when he’s going to be leaving, and he finally admits that he’s not going back to Saudi Arabia – he’s giving up the warm, sandy beaches and moving to Alaska. And guess what – Aunt Bea is going with him! No, they won’t be shacking up – they’re getting MARRIED! Horrors! Oh, well, Ramona. It’s not all bad. Maybe you’ll meet Jewel. But dude, Aunt Bea, that was fast. I mean, there’s nothing wrong with marrying for money, but some things just aren’t worth it. What if you guys have a baby and he buys the baby an inappropriate gift? You could end up with a Bubba Ludwig on your hands. Anywhoos, they’re planning on a town hall wedding, which is totes not going to go down well with the girls – who include Mrs. Quimby, this time. They decide to plan a quicky wedding.

The next day, Uncle Hobart takes Ramona, Beezus, Howie, and Willa Jean to the mall to shop for bridesmaids dresses, ring bearer outfits, and a flower girl dress. They have wedding stores in malls? I had to go to a boutique that was in a strip mall. The staff was awesome, though, and my dress was awesome too. It sounds like the staff at this store is not awesome, because Ramona gets the distinct impression that the saleswoman would prefer that they weren’t there. Um, lady? You work on commission, right? Big mistake. Big. Huge! Anyway, they order dresses and bouquets and get ice cream, and Uncle Hobart is starting to look better to the kids now. Yeah. If a man buys me clothes and ice cream, I’ll totally slut out for him. That’s how my darling husband got me.

Anywhoo, wedding plans, wedding presents, Mrs. Quimby’s getting huge. Hobart and Bea have a minor spat the night before the wedding when they realize that no one ordered flowers for the church, but they make up quickly. They decide to get flowers from the neighborhood, which I think is sweet, and Aunt Bea mentions that she invited her entire 3rd grade class, which makes Ramona all judgey. Ramona, you’re in 3rd grade in this book. You don’t really get to judge, kthnxbye. Anyway, we’ve got bigger problems because OMGWTFBBQ?!?! The bridesmaid’s dresses haven’t come yet! Uncle Hobart calls the store and sets the mean saleslady straight, and the dresses come just as they’re leaving for the rehearsal. Whew.

The day of the wedding, Ramona’s dress is too short, so after Beezus hurriedly bastes it, Ramona Scotch tapes the hem for reinforcements. Grandpa Quimby shows up in a surprise! limousine, and they head off to the church. Beezus and Ramona’s dress shoes are too small, so Beezus hides them in a potted plant – their dresses are long, so their socks won’t show. Oh, Beezus. Once again, read one of these books. Somebody’s going to see those socks. Sure enough, Howie’s Grandmother has stitched the wedding ring onto the ring bearer’s pillow too tightly, Uncle H. has to try to pull it off, and the ring goes sailing across the room. People start crawling around looking for the ring, and Ramona spots the ring on the heel of her aunt’s shoe, so she must have stepped on it while looking under her skirts. I would have seriously died if this had happened at my wedding. Ramona crawls under her aunt to get the ring, exposing her white socks, but no one minds because she’s saved the day! At the reception, Ramona catches the bouquet and she and Beezus tie their shoes to the back of the getaway car, which is a whole lot better than condoms.

Soon after the wedding, Mrs. Quimby goes into labor, and she and Mr. Quimby head off for the hospital. Ramona and Beezus spend the night alone (really?) and end up sleeping in Beezus’ bed. Mr. Quimby comes home, and tells them that they have a new sister – Roberta Day Quimby, six pounds, four ounces, and they’ll be able to see her tomorrow. Oh, I teared up a little bit. I want a baby. They are so cute, and they grow up to be children, which are even better.

The next day they go to the hospital, but the nurses won’t let Ramona in to see her mom and sister because she’s under 12 and might carry contagious diseases. ASSHOLES! I mean, seriously, that is wrong. Ramona is really sad, really jealous, and starts thinking maybe she does have a disease, so she starts scratching herself like she has chicken pox. A kindly old Doctor comes by and checks her out, and apparently understands, because he tells her she has siblingitis and writes her a prescription for lots of hugs and kisses. Aw. Ramona gets to see her new baby sister soon when her mother comes home, and Ramona thinks her baby is just the best baby in the world – until she realizes that Roberta is cross-eyed! Haha. Her mother reassures her that all babies are crossed eyed at first, Roberta does cute baby things that make my ovaries itch, and we have

The end.